Lily

How many times am I going to come on here and say this time I’m really going to do it?!  Things just keep getting worse and I’m not sure what to do to change them.  It’s too easy to just grab a piece of cake, go to McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, etc.  It’s so easy to say that I’m too tired to go to the gym.  Or to say how there is no point because I have so much to lose anyway.  How are others doing this?  Where can I find the motivation?  By writing here today I hope to get myself back on track but as you can see from my previous posts, that doesn’t seem to work much.  Right now, I don’t even want to weigh myself because I know things have gotten much worse.  But then again, that’s the only way to see where I stand and can see my progress.  As soon as I stop weighing myself, that’s when I know I’m getting off track.  Why is this so difficult?  I’m not going to make the declaration that I’m back for good because that clearly hasn’t worked.  I’m going to take it one day at a time and make a conserted effort every single day.  No excuses, just do my best.

In the old days I would sometimes decide I didn’t want to workout, I was too tired and I would have a mental debate with myself which always ended with me going to the gym.  I’m going to try to do the same again.  I’ll fight my lazy side everyday and hopefully it will lose most of the time.

Here’s to trying again!!

Well, I’ve been away for a while but not on a bad track, just pretty busy.  Not that I was on a good track either but the point is that I’m back on here again.  For the new year, I’ve given up ALL soda, ALL fast food, ALL sweets and have decided to exercise at least 3 times a week.  I am allowing myself 1 day of splurging per week but that does not mean a free binge day.  It means I can have a something sweet or a soda with my meal.  Yesterday was my sister’s birthday and I did eat chicken alfredo fettuccine, garlic bread, a slice of cake and a soda, but that was my meal for the day.  It was not a good day at all but I knew it going in and I made up for it throughout the day.  Plus the big thing with me has always been second servings and I had none!!  So this morning, I got up without thinking twice, put my gym clothes on and hit the gym.  I did 30 minutes on the treadmill (walking), 30 minutes on the elliptical, 30 minutes on the recumbent bike, and another 38 minutes on the treadmill (walking).  I feel so great right now!!  I know I can do this.  So many people around me right now are on board with this healthy thing which is helping me stay more focused.  I know most people will probably stop working on their “new year’s resolutions” but that won’t be the case for me!  It’s not a resolution.  It’s a change in behavior that will help me live longer, look better, feel better and be happy! Oh and hopefully help me find a date!!  This is not something to be done from January 1st thru December 31st.  It’s something to be done every single day for the rest of my life, even if I have a soda once in a while.  Anyway, I wanted to blog today because it was a great day.  I hope to be blogging more because I expect to have many more great days.

Well, I appreciate everyone’s support but unfortunately it still took me a while to get to the gym.  Today, I had a job interview and after that I felt great so I decided to go work out!  I was so happy I did it.  I watched the same tv shows I’d be watching at home except I was in motion the whole time.  I did 25 minutes on the treadmill (average pace) to warm up, 30 minutes on the elliptical and another 20 minutes on the treadmill to cool down.  It wasn’t a great workout, but it was definitely a good first step.  The personal trainer that completely blew me off was there and I didn’t even look at him.  I figure, he’s the one that blew me off so if he wants to get more sessions, he’s going to approach me, otherwise, I can do this on my own!  Honestly, running into him was one of the reasons I wasn’t going to the gym.  I thought I’d be uncomfortable if I saw him.  Clearly I’ve thought about this WAY more than he has because I get the feeling he could care less, which is fine.  Funny how easily I get in my own head.  Who cares about everyone else!!  They aren’t going to lose the weight for me!  Anyway, it’s stupid to be held back by something so, well, stupid.  The real test is going to be if I can get to the gym tomorrow.  It’s important to keep the momentum going.  I plan on keeping up!

I’m still here and struggling.  I can’t get myself to exercise and don’t know how to get started.  I mean every night before I go to sleep, I tell myself I’ll wake up early and hit the gym.  Every morning I wake up early, turn off my alarm and fall asleep for another 3-4 hours.  By the time I wake up again for good, I sit up, watch tv and eat.  Right now I just showered and am waiting for it to by time to go to work at Lane Bryant.  I think my lack of motivation has to do with the fact that I don’t have a full time job like I’m used to.  I’d always get up and go to work (8-5 schedule) and not having that is depressing.  I know I’m working part time but it makes a big difference to go to work at night when you are used to working during the day.  There was a schedule and a routine but now things are not “normal” and it is throwing me off.  I would go work out after work before.  I don’t like making excuses but I’m being affected by the job situation more than I ever expected.  I have more time off now to go workout and I don’t do it.  The thought of how great I feel after exercising is in there but it’s not creating the motivation necessary to get started.   I won’t even get into the food aspect in this blog.  Please help motviate me!!

I’m still here and struggling somewhat.  The only good thing going on right now is that I’m working at Lane Bryant so that keeps me on my feet and busy.  I finally feel like I’m doing something and not just sitting at home feeling sorry for myself and the fact that I don’t have a job.  This isn’t the job I really want but at least it’s keeping me occupied.  Also, since I’m working, I haven’t been making food my priority.  Food has always been something that takes over my life (when I’m going to eat, what I’m going to eat, etc) and right now, when I’m at work, I don’t have time to think about that stuff.  When I get home from work I’m hungry but am so tired, I just grab something small and crash on the couch.  I think working in general has always helped me control my food issues.  I miss working my regular job so much.  Oh well, I’ll find a new one soon and in the meantime, this LB job will do just fine.  Plus, I get a 40% discount!!!

The thing I really have to work on is exercising.  That has to become a priority of mine.  I’ll start workingon that this week.  Well, off I go to get ready for work!

Well, today was a better day.  Not great by any means, but it is progress.  I actually started working at Lane Bryant which actually got me out of the house and on my feet for a few hours.  I have to tell you I HATE working in retail but desperate times call for desperate measures.  Actually it wasn’t too bad.  Until I find a permanent FT job, this will do ok, plus I get a 40% discount!  Woohoo!!  I might keep it as  a PT just for the discount.  Also, I just got back from working out with my friend.  I had an extremely upset stomach so I couldn’t risk working out for too long but I did 20 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes on the treadmill.  That was all I did and I feel like crap for not having done more or worked harder.  I did both at an extremely low intensity which is why I really don’t feel like I worked out but at least I got my body moving.  Good news is that I got 2 calls from staffing agencies.  I will return those calls tomorrow.  Hopefully something will come of that.  I just want to be back in the world again!  Hopefully this is the beginning.

Well, I’m still struggling.  Not working out and eating like a pig.  I have to be honest:  I’m terrified of stepping on the scale.  I have not weighed myself in months.  I don’t want to.  I want to lose some weight before I see the number because I know it’s the highest I’ve ever been and it’s only going to devastate me and dig me into a deeper mental hole.  I have a friend who keeps wanting to meet up to work out at night and I keep telling her I’m not feeling well and that we can go “tomorrow”.  I feel so uncomfortable in my body and in the clothes I wear that I don’t want to make an effort.  Today I actually PROMISED her that I’d meet up with her tomorrow for sure so I will do it but God I don’t want to.  I know I have to do this at some point and once I do it I’ll feel better but its so difficult to get my mindset to that point.  I hate myself right now and the last thing I want to do is be in public.  Anyway, I’ll write again tomorrow after my workout and hopefully it will be a happier post.

Well, I had a horrible weekend.  Since I came back, I think I’ve been healthy just 1 day.  I didn’t exercise at all and ate like a pig all weekend and I feel horrible.  I’m not sure if I’m depressed.  I’m unemployed and spend all my days at home watching tv, eating  & sitting on the couch.  Obviously, I’m online applying for jobs through Careerbuilder, Monster and HotJobs but other than that I have no reason to leave my condo.  I sit in my pj’s all day.  Yesterday I  actually didn’t leave the house at all except to take the garbage out.  My car is in the same parking spot from the day before.   I don’t have money to be  spending on anything.  I’m trying not to use my car so I don’t have to waste gas. I haven’t been crying or anything but I just haven’t felt any desire to do anything.  I feel like crap physically which I’m sure is from all the crap I’ve been eating.   I feel fat, which I know I’m huge but I feel uncomfortable in my body right now, which really also makes me not want to be seen.  I hate putting on my jeans because I feel like they are tight.  They are not tight but I always feel like if something actually fits, without being a little loose, it means I’m too fat for it.  Does that make sense?  I want things to feel a little loose so I can feel comfortable.  Anyway, I’m not sure if this is depression or what.  I’ve been depressed before  when I cry all the time and feel like I am a waste of space.  I’m not even feeling that now.  I’m really not feeling anything, I’m just “being” in this state– whatever it is.  I don’t know how to get out of it.  I wanted to post on here because I am going to lose this weight and I want to be consistent on this site.  If I stop writing in here, it will mean I’ve given up and I’m not going to do that.  I’m going through some slump right now but I know I’ll get back into things.  We’ll see what happens.  Any advice or ideas are appreciated.

I have to be honest:  I haven’t worked out.  I just got back into things and I’ve been doing well with the diet but the exercising thing is not coming to me easily.  I did make plans with my friend to go work out on Saturday morning at Xsport Fitness, so I think that will help me get back into things.  I usually really like working out because I love the way I feel when I’m done– so positive and like I can do anything, but its difficult when you have stopped to get going again.  Saturday morning is step one.

So, today I met my friend for lunch at a fast food (gyros type of place) and I ordered a Chicken Kabob sandwich with a diet coke and we ordered some french fries to share but we didn’t touch them much.  That was the only thing I’ve eaten so far today and it’s already 6:20 pm!  I have to stop waking up late because its affecting my diet.  Right now I’m dying to eat something.  I have some cucumbers that I’ll probably eat but I don’t know what.  I don’t have much to eat at home and I have no money.  Oh, I can eat a sandwich and an apple afterwards and water.  Exciting huh? 

Well, I’m still not at 100% with my comeback but the fact that I’m posting here keeps me motivated to get there.  I remember how nice it felt to have those changes in my body.  I hate that people have to notice and make comments about it but I have to block that out.  Good luck to all!

So I still woke up late today, enough so that I ate lunch instead of breakfast.  I had a ham sandwich with wheat bread, lettuce, tomatoe slices, ham and very lightly moistened with mayo.  I feel like I’m having withdrawals though, does anyone else feel that way?  The sandwich was enough to make me feel slightly full.  So I had to go to an interview right away so I took off but on the way back I kept having this need to eat something else.  I hate that feeling, its as if it takes over.  I wanted to stop by and get a dessert somewhere and I ended up getting a sugar-free ice coffee from McDonalds.  I don’t feel too bad but I came home to check the nutritional facts online.  I didn’t realize how many ice coffee’s McDonalds has!!  I have no idea what I drank!  All I know is it’s a sugar-free vanilla iced coffee.  I’m hoping its the non-fat but I doubt it.  That would only be 50 calories.  How am I to really know?  I couldn’t believe how many of these drinks they have.  Anyway, I won’t dwell on it but next time I know to ask them at the drive-thru.  I will make myself workout tonight probably late.

On another note, thanks to all for the comments on my previous post.  I completely agree with some comments that no one else can do this but me and I have never held anyone else responsible for my failures.  The fact that my trainer may or may not be a jerk is irrelevant because if I want to do something, I’ll just do it.  I actually cannot afford a trainer at this point anymore anyway, but someday I will go back.  In the meantime, I have to do this on my own and that will definitely feel great.  I’m actually really happy with myself that I blogged again today.  I may be a pain to others because I will probably post every single day but if it works, who cares!

Oh, does anyone know why comments wouldn’t post?  I posted comments on someone else’s blogs and they never appeared.  I want to support others like people have supported me so far.